i'll just stand by the sidewalk and...

i am so very tired. and i don't have any mood to do anything right now. im sad, disappointed, angry and hate myself. sometimes i wonder, why on earth am i taking care about how others feel? its like care more abt how others feel rather than how i feel. now looking back, i'm quite dumb to do that cause they'll just take advantage of my kindness. and don't give a shit abt me. why such people exist? i couldnt afford to be as fierce as i am at home cause i need friends for help and make my life better not worse.

its just sad that some people thinks that the world revolves around them and they rule the world. so vain. only god knows my good intentions

i'm so sick right now. but i actually look fine on the outside. sigh. i cancelled my dental appt. from april till december.. sigh.. and nearly fought with everyone at home. and on wednesday, i was early in sch and i thought i'll be fine the whole day but,,, i was wrong. i started to have dizzyness and vomiting.. i only gt acid in my tummy so.. thats what i pucked out. and i totally cant breathe at all. my ears popped, my vision went slightly blur and thats when i decided that i need to go home and something is totally wrong with me. took a cab home and the uncle was talking to me but i think i fell asleep till we exited SLE. reached home, a few hours later.. i blacked out. and i had all those weird vision? dream? whatever it is.. its has been occurring in my sleep one time too many. only that this time its more real and scary. and thats all i could remember.. and it's all because of..lack of iron and a very low blood pressure. sigh.

i think if there is one place i could runaway and find peace in my mind.. i think that would be me buying myself an island in the bahamas and spend my day there alone.. okay mayb not alone.. together with a friend or two..

charlie is a must:)

bye

im getting dizzier by the minute.. fever's going up, up, up =.=

night! night charlie! and duck

i hate myself right now. i just feel like killing myself. I'm not being emo or anything. its a fact that i realise. i'm a burden to people, i ask way too much questions, i screw things up, i forget stuffs and i'm such a pain in the freaking ass. i never asked or wish to be forgetful! what cause me to be forgetful is my mistake. and yes i know, i might always be going in and out of the hospital but i never ever asked for that to happen! and i know i'm not the smarty pants, pretty, uber rich and a good friend. but at least acknowledge as an individual. i know i've hurt and insulted people with or without me realising but i'll totally make it up for it. i will feel bad. and yes i know i'm bloody well not a trophy friend. i suck at everything! sometimes, i might be happy, jumpy, all excited but actually, its just a stupid mask that i put on to make me feel a little better. and when i'm all happy and jumpy, the next thing you know, i'll be crying. cause, my happiness can never ever last for a long period of time.

if being in school already make me feel sad, being at home even makes me feel sadder. everybody have their own demands. everybody have their own way of thinking. since everyone in the house have been in a position where they are the manager or a leader or they achieved something high, and thought that they have the greatest influence in the family. do this. do that. sometimes i wonder, what do people take me for? yes, my family often make me cry but sometimes its just a little too taken for granted for me to achieve everything. i'm just a little disturb. my room is sometimes the only place for salvation for me. and it just makes me feel sad thinking about it.

but seriously i want to know what people think about me. its the only way to prove my senses wrong.

im sorry charles, this is my life i lead everyday. i try not to do anything stupid. i'm sorry.

i'm confused. confused as ever. i know i've burdened and disturbed some people in my life. now all i wanna say is. im sorry. im so so sorry. don't care no matter i'm sad or what, how i feel is like nobody's problem. i just wanna see the people i care for happy.

i.m gonna do my best starting from now on. I am actually not stupid or dumb. even though my parents sometimes make me feel dumb, but i know that i.m not. and yes, i.m sad. sad cause nobody is actually supporting me and my parents have high expectations and hopes, wanting me to excel. Sigh i just wished they would understand instead of just bringing and making me feel down. :(

i thought i had steered clear and away from getting myself hurt and on meds. but somehow, it just keep on coming. im getting sick of this. im always sick and my health is poor. i dont want to be a burden to my parents! i owe them my life. eventhough i keep on fighting with them recently but.. nvm. i hope for the best for me, for i know, it will always be the opposite. im broken. disheartened.. the knife. that knife!! uggh!! help me please someone. i just need support and understanding. year 1, i screwed big time. year 2, its my time to bring my 'A' game. but somehow, some stuffs happen and it sorta dampens my spirit. i need time. cause in my life right now, i just think of myself and what is best for me. cause everything i used to believe in just bring me down or tear me apart. nuff said.

i don't know how i'm feeling.. i only know that i'm having fever and two swollen arms.
i know i'm sad but i just don't know how to explain it. even if i were to talk about it, no one would seem to understand or get my point of view. my life is different. my background is different. the environment that i grow up in is different. the way i think is different. so please, understand me my life is different. but too bad, no one on this planet would ever understand!! cause i'll just get ignored in the end.

friends. i seriously don't know what to say about them. i made them a priority, they made me an option. and its so stupid of me to prioritize friends who would never ever give a shit about me but will only look for me if they need something or if i'm the last person they can find. how fair can this world be. what you think i am??!

a friend asked me yesterday which set me thinking. she asked,
"oi!.. you got like anyone meh? you nvr tell one.. wait. zee you like got no emotions like that lei. you happy quiet. sad quiet. angry quiet, but usually like female lion. weird sia you. hahah"

first off, i never tell people how i feel cause i know how i feel means nothing. cause i'm usually treated as an outcast.

i'm done. no more words from me. cause its pointless. useless. i don't trust anyone. even myself.

thanks charles for the call. hope you're having fun over at matt's=)

bye

Zee CW ★

" Zee CW,
the kid who always
step on the pavement cracks,
and blames herself,
then she ran back home to her crib
where she cry and cry.."

Too Little Too Late - Jojo

-MB0902
-Andre
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-Isabelle
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Designer : Chili.
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