i'll just stand by the sidewalk and...

my face in my hands, i'm crying my heart out but, its just a temporary solution and satisfaction. im confused. im lost. im disheartened. somehow now, its really hard for me to express myself to anyone. its hard to trust anyone. and find someone whom you can actually and really trust. and i hate it how i would enter people's and see what they're thinking. for once, i want someone to at least see through me. have at least a hint of what im thinking. feel how i feel. anger management helped me a little but not 100%. all this while, i've let myself down. i've let my parents down. i need to nurse my open wounds.

missyou.loveyou.careforyou.are.now.words.unspoken.
Is there anyone who is sincere enough?? help me.

i do not have many friends! my parents constrict my social life. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!! I YEARN FOR AT LEAST A FRIEND! why can't anyone understand me?? i'm like so fucking depressed and sad right now. i want to express how i feel but it's hard to trust anyone nowadays. i guess i should just change myself, let my parents control me and just study always. sigh.

why am i always the sad story? why? T-T
i should start searching for my insurance statement.

i wished someone would understand and know what i'm going through right now.
yes, i'm healing myself. I'm letting go but, i'm nowhere near moving on.
yes, i admit i'm sad. broken. but i just feel that its not fair to me about everything.
all this time i've been living in a world of lies and false hopes.
i can just dream about it.. but it can never ever be a reality.
we are like living in two different worlds and two different mind sets.
i think after all the obstacles i've been through, i deserve to be treated better.
but sometimes because of you, i'll keep on saying it's okay. nevermind. but i'm hurt inside. i did it because of you.
we are worlds apart.

now, i'm trying to have a brand new start.
its hard and painful but, i need to get my life back on track.
i've got to try

charlie.. help me please

i'm so scared. i can practically cry right now. sigh.
lappy gone. tomorrow's the release of my results. sigh
i'm scared about my results. i don't know if i did well. cause i think during my year 1 i did not put 100% of my mind to my work. but this time round i really really hope i'd make the cut.
my parents expect the best out of me. but i dont think i've given my best. oh god help me please.
sigh. i'm so scared out of my wits.

*atasteofmylifecharlie*

i'm having fever right now. great. sigh.

i.am.so.freaking.bored. =.=

the weather today was superbly chilly. a very nice weather to get glued to my bed, get some tea and have my lappy beside but not switched on. i didnt switch on the air-con but i just for once, opened the window to my room and everything feels perfect! ^^. but still, i gotta get outta bed. a friend came by and and and.. played Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles. its not as scary as Resident Evil 4.. where i would scream after turning every corner or after busting open a door.. =x hahah. but actually, i wasnt enjoying myself while i was playing cause.. i was bored! i only said.. 'hmmm'.. 'yeaa'.. 'hahah'.

and this friend of mine, he let me listened to this one song that he found out while he was at HMV. Taio Cruz - Break Your Heart. goddamnit, the song is like catchy but seriously make me feel dizzy cause the lyrics are repeating! and its driving me insane! but too bad, im some what hooked to it =.=...

charliecharliecharliecharliecharlie *doing my stupid expression with you know what on my hand* =D hahha.. you uk people got your charms mate.

sigh.. back to my boring life. ill be glued in my bed soon. and the same boring holiday the next day. gosh.. sigh =.=

im back. and i feel like i wanna go back to aus. its not that i dont like it in sg but,, its just that i feel a little stressed up in sg compared to aus , not because charlie's there or whatever but.. i think i can think better in aus, my mind is less emotional, less agressive, peaceful mind and such emotions(sry charles but you're really an awesome guy!).

charlie i wanna hug! >< *hug**trying to imagine*

im going back to aus soon, once i'm done with my stuffs in sg. my parents are not home with me now but still, i'm gonna stick to what i believe and what charlie told me. im in my process of healing. im moving on but the lesson learnt is a scar left on me. but anyways, i really need to get my life in the right path and put my mind and think for my future and ignore the world for the moment. cause people dont give a shit about what im doing. and all they care is themselves..

and after that we can talk about HAMMERS! hahahh ^^... i miss charlie already =x *happy?*

=D
i admit it, its on a rare occasion that i start my blog with a smile. =D
hahah im with charlie right now and he read thru all my blog post, both tragediesinaperfectworld and the hidden one and he was i guess shocked? he said he got no words for it.. whatever. ^^

monday went out with charlie, his mom and my mom to make a brand new pair of specs. and i'm stuck with 2 designs, one is Levi's another is Giorgio. i wanted the levis one but my mom say think about quality... after much thinking, i picked the giorgio one. and now, i dont know, i regretted? for not picking Levis. its cheap! but nvm next year maybe ^^
his mom is very nice

for the past few days, i've been hanging out with charlie and he is one hell of a awesome guy! ^^ within days hanging out with him, my relationship between me and my parents are sorta patching up. but we still argue at times and they call me headstrong, i accept that cause i am one =)...hopefully i can get my curfew dropped =s. now i cant get enough of his cute face and accent.. goddamnit. now i dont feel like leaving >,<

but too bad.. friday i have appt =((

he said hi.. Hi! - charles

entry in tags *almost*. on what i did. blog via phone. =x

cry.cry.jogging.cry.cry.eat nachos.more junk foods.cry.cry.argue.shout.argue.collapsed.hospital.home. cry.cry.cry.cry.cry.cry.too tired,sleep.wakeup.cry.cry.stoned.sleep.cry.cry.shower.shower.cook.scream.stoned.cry.cry.cry.sad.sad.sad.roller blading. no emotions.no emotions. sighhh. sad.sad.wished he knew. thinking.. it'll never happen. cry.cry.cry.cry.cry.cry.sleep.

my life on a regular basis is.. crying and thinking. if only you knew, but your mind is nowhere close to mine =(

if you only knew, things will change.. away i go where nobody knows* where i hope you'll realize i'm gone. i doubt that you even read this -_-

*with exception of family members and some people =s

12.27am
sigh.. im so very mood-less right now. angry. irritated. sad. disappointed. and also tired. i really feel like crying but, no use. i'll just end up tiring myself. im so sick and tired of everything. somehow, i do not look forward to something new and interesting everyday cause i know, the path will still be the same. irritating people. my anger and emotional problem. family.. sigh. i really dont know how i feel. i only feel sadness and anger. even though im all crazy and laughing, the presence of the sadness and anger will still be there. there is more to my sadness and anger just that i'll never openly tell it or post it. if you're observant or know how i think, theres a chance you'll know how i feel. sigh. pointless. who would ever care?

i guess no one can ever guess what i'm feeling exactly right now. why am i willing to hurt myself for no reason knowing it could never ever happen? or why am i letting people hurt me and i still continue saying'it's okay'? i've come to realise that no one cares. humans only care for themselves and the things or someone that they love and the world is out of the picture. now i think i'm the only freak amongst the people i know. im weak. stupid therapy. but still, i know there is more in me and i'm different.

i do know there are some people who judge me. im not pretty neither am i gorgeous. i know that. but i care for the people around me in spite of my odd change of emotions. and thats all i care. i'll try to look presentable. that should be acceptable. i cant control people's mind set.

i need a hug right now but, i'll just control myself. i think i should start crying now. easier for me to sleep. sigh.

bye.

12.45am

3 years. i still remember. a death of 1 friend and a loving granddad. it was 3 years ago. friday. 10.03.07. 12.05am. tan tock seng hospital. i still remember cause i regretted. i regretted so much. i could have been there. thinking about it just makes me feel sad. i should have followed my heart, instincts and feeling. but now, all i can do is pray for him. my dear granddad.
its even harder to forget a friend whom you're really close to and loved the person so very much. i just miss him so much. i think things will be different if only he's around. green roses.

sigh. this will be a boring holiday ever. the fucking camp is so useless! only fun part is that i met some new people from other courses which i never knew it existed. and some people saying i look like their friend.. -.-" whatever. fucking camp is done! fucking excos boiling my bloody blood. sigh. i think my leg will hurt real bad tomorrow. i dont know how many times i walk and run back and forth from one end of the school to another. and the only thing im looking forward was to shower and sleep..zz
i went all caveman with no internet and my parents can laugh at me wth. i hurt my toe real bad. a busted toe. i cant forget some people at camp ^^ haha. i think only my exco is the nicest exco amongst the excos! junjie ^^

andand on the third day, me and karen left early due to some reasons... and i felt like a basket case for leaving cause its performance at 12.. and i left at 12.03 they want me to sing More Than Words for performance. i dont want.. too shy =x hahahh fuck uh. sigh.. AND! i lost 1.6kg! for not eating and been running around for one whole freaking day!

im sooo bored and tired right now. and hungry. sigh. cant think. next time till then. -_<

Night =]

im on the bed typing this thing and... it feels weird lying down and type. anyways, exams are over. there goes year one. my mind is in a stagnant state now. it always was. i think for my paper, i think i screwed up some questions. CAUSE i didnt read properly. sigh. habits. they nvr go away. my holidays have started! and im so not looking forward to it causeee, i have got nothing to do. practically no one to go out with and my body is too exhausted. i need rest.

i just argued with mom. now, its my turn to nag. i felt a lil angry and sad but, thanks to my exhaustion, i cant reallly express and feel how im feeling. if not id be crying myself to sleep now. sigh. i hate everything right now. nothings right. my brain keep on thinking about everything. especially how stupid i can be. what happened to me?

i cant really and fully express myself how i feel cause im too darn tired.. but all i can say is that im feeling so sad, angry and hopeless. things just dont work out. im just another normal kid who thinks im beyond normal.. cause i really think theres more to me. im not just a kid who is stupid, dumb and good for nothing. im just distracted with stuffs. but then i think i am stupid for hoping and waiting for that to happen.sigh.

get real zee. open your eyes. earth is calling.

good night world. im glued to my bed and comforters already ^^

Zee CW ★

" Zee CW,
the kid who always
step on the pavement cracks,
and blames herself,
then she ran back home to her crib
where she cry and cry.."

Too Little Too Late - Jojo

-MB0902
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Designer : Chili.
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