i'll just stand by the sidewalk and...

everything is distant. im weighed down. im on a major breakdown. i've been crying and crying and crying. my parents. friends. family. studies. im stretching myself too thin. and im suffering. alfie. alfie. come back, i need you now. more than ever. wake up. please. i wanna kill myself. my life is worthless. i dont know who i can turn to. im so lost. my tears are falling non-stop. i hate my life. i hate it!

my chest hurts. so bad. argued with both mom and dad. stuck at home looking after lil sis and doing all the house chores alone. argued again. im so sick of everything! no one seems to understand me. and i dont have much friends to talk to. what have i become? i have lots of thoughts in my head that i never tell. i have feelings but they never show. i have a heart but, its all broken and shattered. whats the use, i keep on saying im okay and every things gonna be okay but in reality it never was. i hate my life. love is inexistent in me. being loved, is complicated. loving someone who in a million years would never love back and losing a love to some idiot driver who drinks!

i guess no one understand me. im all on my own. but its okay. ill make it some day.

i see a smile on your face, i feel at peace, though for all the tears rolling down my cheeks

2.07 am. i'm tired. but i need to get this post done and find some stuffs online. im tired but cant sleep cause... ive been sorta doing some thinking. about everything.
i wonder, am i really a bad person? why am i crying so much? am i happy for being sad? what am i searching for? what do i want in life? and, why am i waiting and wasting my hoping for something that i know it will never ever happen? stupid.

what the hell is wrong with me? my family? emotions? understanding? im lost. totally lost. but its okay, im always in my miserable state. i just dont understand whats wrong with everything. i sense an imbalance. at home, i feel misunderstood. in public, i feel foreign. in my room i feel depressed, sad, angry but safe. but seriously, i need to stop crying. its abnormal. i keep on lying to myself. but nothing will ever be fine.

i guess, i cant actually have whatever i want in life. it hurts me real bad but i have got to live with it and carve a painful smile on my face. id rather get hurt myself than seeing others getting hurt. the guilt will last. so its better to suffer with pain than guilt. my spirits are broken. my heart is shattered. my mind is lost. everything just seems to get worse. ive been lying on the floor for too long. even if my tears were to turn blood, nothing will change. i'll still be where i am.sigh.

i have to look after my sis today. =)

pink.carnation.love. ^^

im hurting myself, but its okay.. good night world - 2.20am

im sick. again. its either from lack of sleep or my constant crying. always wake up with swollen eyes and nose. and got to put ice pack on my face. sigh. somehow, i find it hard to face each and every day. i feel in total confusion and lost. one way or another. i've changed alot. but i'm not moving on. neither am i budging. it hurts so much. sometimes it hurts so bad that i feel like stabbing myself. now, i dont even know what i want in life. all the time i use to talk about what i want to be when i grow up have lost in time. i regret everyday. for all the things ive done wrong, i still feel sinned. i never felt a sense of belonging ever since. i dont know how i can express myself. all i can do is just cry. cry myself to sleep. life is unfair. there must always be someone who is suffering.

i wonder if that incident never happen, and he's still alive, will i still be in this state? where will i be now? will i meet the people i know now?
my studies are affected so bad. im hating my life so much. i'be been living in a lie of my own. im in a mess. shattered. in pain. and sadness. i'll be smiling and laughing of course when i'm out with friends but, the pain and sadness is still there. and i just cant get rid of it. and it is killing me! what mess have i got myself into. ill cry in my room, in the shower, on the way to school. i just cant concentrate. i wanna study real bad! but, the thought of it just keeps me dwelling. and it sucks.

i keep on telling myself that it happened a long time ago and its time for me to lead my own life. we'll meet again someday. but i cant. i think too much about it. it consumed me.

i flung my biostats, frankly. now i have to score for my science subs. all the best to me, me. sigh.

its 4.25am. tuesday morning. im partially awake. faint heartbeat as always. my groggy head is in pain. my brain is aching. i want to sleep!! i slept alot yesterday.

ytd..woke up. switch on tv. watch "Street Fighter: The Ultimate Battle"(hahah i cant believe i watch that crap. but i like, lol). skipped my lunch. no appetite. tried to study cell bio but end up sleeping. tried to study biostats, end up sleeping. im screwed! EXAMS ARE JUST NEXT WEEK DAMMIT!! i lost my motivation to study. i feel empty. i feel weighed down. i feel sad and lonely. no one would understand how i feel. my years of aching heart. i just wanna feel how i felt last time. i wanna be clever again. i wanna excel in everything i do. i wanna score in my studies. but somehow, i've lost my motivation. i feel like i've lost everything. i keep on failing. i'm depressed. i'm stressed. its like im going through the things and events that i was hoping nt to happen last time.
i got dejavu. weird dreams. a weird sleeping pattern. i feel so sluggish.

ever had this pain in your chest or heart that really hurts? and you cry just thinking about the pain? and then it just kills you. my random question. anyway, i've been feeling down lately. sad. and angry. it doesn't matter to anyone. with or without me, its still the same. no difference. i just wish i'm somewhere far. far away from all the stress and noise. i need some time and room to think. thinking back, i think i'm happy for my friends and family. even though i didnt get what i want but as long as they're alive and well, i'm happy. and hurt.

i cry every night to sleep. why am i alive? why is this happening to me? i've suffered enough. i've kept most of my life to myself. my secrets. problems. sadness. grief. mourn. anger. but i'll just let people know minor things about me. cause i dont know who i can trust. are they sincere in listening to what i'm trying to pour out? i yearn for a hug. i yearn for happiness. i want the pain to go away. i want to stop crying.
my mom seen me cry before one time too many but, she said nothing. but i know she was thinking. im curious to know.

for today, i'm hoping some soul would wanna go to the museum with me. but i highly doubt that. who on earth would wanna hang out with me? unless i'm the only person they can find. sigh.
if theres no one would wanna join me, i think i'll just start my revision somewhere not at home.

Im dumping my lappy away so that there wont be any distractions. till the exams are over. this might be my last post till the end of my exams. till then all the best to me, me.

sigh. good night world. 4.35am.

I'll be with you.. even though it doesnt benefit me. seeing you happy is all i want. i need time for my shattered heart and soul to stick back together. though i've picked myself up, the sadness is still there deep in me. but i'll be fine. seeing others happy makes me happy. being selfish just makes you a snob.

sigh
good night world =\

if only i could bring you back to life, i would. 3 years and i still can't get over it. things have changed alot. i've changed alot. i missed you so much. i just wished it never happen. i miss washing your dreads. talking about the future. sharing my problems. listening to you strumming your guitar. playing games. and slapping your face for nothing. i just miss you.so much.. i guess it never meant to be. sigh. we'll meet again some day. my dear..

I've sinned. oh god forgive me.

Zee CW ★

" Zee CW,
the kid who always
step on the pavement cracks,
and blames herself,
then she ran back home to her crib
where she cry and cry.."

Too Little Too Late - Jojo

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