i'll just stand by the sidewalk and...

truth be told, i cant really translate or interpret what i wanna say or express myself from spoken words to a text. i really suck at it. my other friends know that. they stay clear of me. they exile me. make up stories. and that makes what i am today. a loser. but its okay, i understand. when i type my language like snake. i complicate things
*i've wasted a significant amount of paper during English paper 1 during GCE 'O' Levels. and my compo is cocky*

my health is getting worse each day. the pain in my chest is still there but its not as painful as how it used to be. i have low blood pressure.and anemia minor. i cant move around so much. i cant be in a crowded place. if not i'll end up lying on the floor *you know what i mean*.fever. dont care about my health. all i need is to swallow some pills. not some.. a concoction of pills. then i'll be up and running. hmmph.

my mood now is at its worst. its a good thing mom and pop is not here. if not, i guess there'll be a war or something. i'll just pray for them and their safety.
ive been dwelling about the past. suffering and crying, present time. hoping the best for my future. i feel so dead now. i want my life back. i dont want to lose my teenage life to depression. i want the old me back. i want my friends back. i want to live my life. how im feeling right now hurts and it kills me. i know it sounds stupid but since late 2007, ive been thinking about suicide. and planning it all in my head. the pain. and sure thing, i dont think it would affect anyone of my friends but i know it will affect my mom. i feel so hopeless.
forget it. i'm not worth any tears.

it takes two hands to clap, im missing another hand.

i'll overdose on my Prozac(anti-depressant) and try to relief my pain with all of the side effects. day by day, my emotions and health is getting worse.
i've been crying everyday, even when i told myself not to, the tears will always find its way. i guess my mom will be wondering where all the panadol gone. my head hurts. my joints hurt. anemia's back -.-"
the pain in my chest is still there. it hurts. and i'll cry. i've lost weight. my tummy been rejecting food. i feel cold and freezing when its warm outside. air-con or fan is not even on.

truth be told, i need understanding and a shoulder to really cry on now. i cant take it anymore. i'm having hair loss. im a bad daughter. a bad sister. the worst friend. i'm killing myself slowly i guess. seriously, crying doesnt help.

its Christmas! merry christmas.

i dont know on where to start my post. i have got lots to pour out but, i dont know how to type it down. first of, on tuesday, i attended this secondary school gathering at east coast which i thought it would suck but, it turned out fine. but i was a lil emo or sad, so to say, due to some stuffs happening close to heart and i took the opportunity by the beach to think about my life and how am i gonna live it. *oh and i bought myself an ice cream which cost about $8 from New Zealand All Natural and... noone wanna share it with me =( * shockingly, i did enjoyed myself and i smiled and laugh! but still, once home, the pain came back..

wednesday, i dont remember much about what i did on wednesday, but i remember crying and fights. verbal arguments between me and some of my family members. morning cried. afternoon cried. and cried myself to sleep. the pain that im feeling got even worse. my eyes were swollen. slept early, appointment the next day and errands to run. cried, got tired, and sleep.

thursday. woke up. freezing. looked out the window, cant see. wiped my window and it was raining. heavily. lay in bed for about 45 minutes. cried. toss and turn. made a few calls. took a warm shower. kick start my day. today, on the way to the hospital, in the train, i felt alien. i mean, i felt like i dont belong. all the way from jurong to queenstown, i felt like im in a foreign land. for once, i really felt like i wanna run away. people looking at me. staring. their whispers. i feel like i dont belong in my own country. took taxi to alex. cause im already running late. got some check up and meet my doctor. for once, this doctor of mine is a good one. not because he commented on my eyes but he explained in details whats the cause of the usual swelling. and, i ended up paying ~$120 for my hospital bill. zzz.

still on thursday, after appointment, go and get my errands done and went home. tired. i cried. the pain came back. this time, i cried real bad, that the pain was even worse than before. i tried to forget it but.. its hard. the pain is like a tattoo. then around 7.15 went to the airport. family stuffs. i'll be all alone again. cried in the bus home. reached home. freezing. hugged duck for warmth >.< ... got a warm shower. then i realise how empty my tummy is. tried to eat but my tummy rejected, i barfed.

now, im sitting in the dark. typing this crappy post. i think now, being alone and lonely is nothing foreign to me. the alien feeling is the in thing im feeling now. the pain that ive been feeling in my heart and chest still remains. its sadness i guess. and ive been crying for nearly everyday for nearly one month and counting. i just need someone to hear me out understanding is not a must but, i need it to get off my chest for the moment. i just need a little breather. my eye rings are getting worse.

im done with crying. it never help me feel better. my X'mas and new year will be a lone celebration between me,myself and I. i used to enjoy my Xmas. but this year... i wont. no gifts. no company. im soo tired now. =.=

i'll end my damn long post here. merry Xmas people! and a happy new year
*make resolutions!!* =l

The only thing that i still believe in is you, IF you only knew

still, im trying to make the best of everything and every second of my life and what it has to offer. sadly, its hard. my circle of friends has grown smaller. my mind, is confused. i'm lost. someway or another, i'm not me. i'm not like before.

i cry alot recently. bruised my right knee. and from the shortness of breath, i can tell i'm low on iron. ive gained lots of weight since last week, due to lack of sleep... it sucks. 48kg to ~50kg -_-" . my backbone hurts. my back is partly bruised. damn why is my lappy heavy?!

i promised myself that i'll change. i promised myself that i'll be someone new. i promised myself that i'll stop smoking. i promised myself that i'll stop procrastinating. i promised myself to not be mean to people around me especially my siblings. i promised myself to not be bulimic. i promised myself to just care but not love. in the end, i realize, ive promised myself empty promises. thats why i dont hold on to promises. maybe some promises made by some people. i do care and love people around me. but sometimes... i guess time will tell.

its the hols. im gonna get my brain working for school. dont wanna miss anything out. now, i remembered what i wanted to be when i was in my early secondary. i wanted to be a Lawyer. funny ey, someone like me becoming a lawyer. lawyers are always liars, my dad always say. =(

but hey, i end up in a course that had never come to my mind. and guess what?! i'm struggling! for now, i think its just up to me whether will i put all my heart to Life Science. i hope and pray i will. if not i'll be wasting 3 years.

i hope some one will understand me.
*Someone's bound to hear my cry, speak out if you do, you're not easy to find*

no word(s) can i use to describe today.unfortunate? unlucky? but whatever it was, today is like a bad day. wait, it IS a bad day. this week just sucks awfully. common tests started last monday. been trying hard to study and understand topics.. but i can only study outside home. distractions.

no matter how hard i tried to really understand a certain topic, i tend to forget and, it really really pisses me off. cause i tried all my best to memorize and understand something but, i'll end up forgetting!! the problem with me is that i forget things! and its always due to my lack of sleep. what in the world is wrong with me?!!

ive been crying since like,.. after i hand in my ITLS paper. my face was drenched about the whole afternoon till now. and now im catching a fever. i dont expect anyone to understand though. no need to try to understand me, just, leave me alone. its better to suffer alone.

Im screwed for my CT.

holidays are here. i doubt that i'll be having a fun time hanging out. 3 reasons. 1st. projects! 2nd. im gonna study the previous chapters. 3rd. i dont have company to hang out with. sooo, thats who fun my break will be! -_-

im not gonna complain. i got a boring life anyway.

Zee CW ★

" Zee CW,
the kid who always
step on the pavement cracks,
and blames herself,
then she ran back home to her crib
where she cry and cry.."

Too Little Too Late - Jojo

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