i'll just stand by the sidewalk and...

it feels like I'm chocking. my heartbeat is faint. my heart work twice as hard just to get me breathing. my vision starts to go dark. my hearing, blocked. my head gave up. i stumbled and tried to get out of the train. i sat down. my heart and head was in massive pain. i searched for my phone and dialed some numbers. i cant hear. my vision getting darker. i put my head in between my legs. i'm out. the moment i'm awake. my chest hurts so bad. so is my head. i puked acid. my body became so weak. my face looked pale. my lips dry. my fingertips, white. i felt so weak and fragile. but all i could do is cry. i owe him one. i thought he never come.
i never expect a black out. i was fine in the morning.

my breathing is still weak, but i can still do normal stuffs at a slow pace. but, i cant take long train rides, standing. and be at crowded places. now, i find myself all alone. my friends always come and go. i can't express myself how i'm feeling. i don't have a shoulder to cry on. its been long since i hugged anyone. i feel so empty. i guess, its my fate to be a sad and depressed soul. i wish this would end. i envy people who are living their lives and has friends who are always by their side. sigh.

3 weeks till exam. my revision starts tomorrow. stay in school till the library close or go RP and study. i have loads of catching up to do. i've been thinking, even though science is not my passion, but i think i'll just do it for the benefit of my future kids. i know it sounds stupid but, i just want them to have what they want in life and enjoy life. sigh. i know it sounds stupid.

i've lost my ez-link card, IC and atm card. and my right eye is swollen!! $#@%^!@!$

sigh..

i just need a hug and someone who can lend me a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on..

sigh =(

sometimes i wonder, how does it feel to live amongst the clouds. i feel constricted. sad. disappointed. angry. heartbroken. hopeless. i just wanna scream. maybe scream till i pass out or something. i just wanna get out from this body maybe. my head hurts like real bad.
sometimes, or most of the time, i just wish someone would understand me. my parents don't. my siblings don't. i'm trying to cope with everything. i've lost interest in my studies. i've lost interest in almost everything. i just wanna be somewhere peaceful. somewhere i can think about myself. i've cried too much. going home just makes it worse. i'll just end up having this awkward or an argument with my family. is there something wrong with me? am i the one to blame? what did i do?

i think the people around me are already used to seeing me being sad and depressed. oh well, thats zee. the problematic one. i missed everything i used to love. it really break my heart to hear something mean or hurtful coming out from my own family. i'll try to not take it for real but, its like a venom. i love my family so very much eventhough at times i might say that i hate them. i'd die for them to be safe. but, all i see is that i'm on the losing end.

i forgot the feeling of being loved. how it feels like to hug. how it feel like to laugh out loud. how it feels like to not suffer with an illness which controls my youth. i wanna be clever back again. i feel so empty now. my life is full of emptiness. i don't know what to look forward everyday. i got no one to actually talk to about my problems. not even my sister. she have her own priorities. i miss hugging. grover is the only thing i hug now. *refer to my older post to know what is grover*

last night, somehow, i dream. not a bad dream. i find it weird cause i'm on sleeping meds so i just sleep for the sake of resting my eyes. but its just a dream, sleeping games. sigh. if only..

yesterday, i told myself, i'll move on with my life and stop crying my heart out. its been like nearly 2months.. i've been crying and crying. frankly, my health is also getting worse. i'm like so very sad and disappointed. i'm in pieces. i'm in ruins. i got my new dose of meds! and i just wish my parents would care more. and i just wish i had a good friend. i find my life meaningless.boring. i feel like i'm tired of living. but i'm grateful, for god have given me a chance to live and see the world. at its best and worst.
i always wanted a hug.its been long since i hugged someone. clinging on to grover is not considered as hugging.
*grover is my stuffed toy the sesame street dude ><*

i tried talking to mom again. and still, she ignored me. i guess, so much for trying. the only thing i got was disappointment.

my tears are nothing. i'd cry for people but, no one would cry for me. i'm worthless. meaningless to them. yes. it does break my heart but, i'll still be there for people who careless about me. i know, i sound so very fake but, i really do that.

parents, family and friends.
never cared.arguments.inexistance

friends. i respect all of them. eventhough i dont have much, but still, i practice my mutual respect for them. *eventhough i dont receive any from them* the number of friends that i have have been decreasing. and now, i dont have a schoolmate frm pri or sec, that i'll hang out with. they left. i have my respect for my poly friends. they're nice people.

i still can't accept the fact that, mom and dad have their own ideology about me. they don't know me. they're rarely home. i'm left with an empty house with only duck. i think i have to give duck away soon. i can tell my parents have something up their sleeves.

this time round, i think this post sound off. but hey, who else read my blog except for me??! fk that.

i guess i will never ever understand what i want. i'm lost. i'm so alone. i'm scared. i'm angry. i'm sad. i'm crying way too much. i need something to look forward everyday to keep me going. everything now seems so hopeless. my constant arguments with my parents and siblings. i'm losing myself. my emotions are getting worse everyday. i feel so hopeless. i just wanna run away. run away from everything and everyone. i want to be somewhere peaceful. somewhere i can find myself. i just wanna be away from home for the time being. i feel foreign in my own home. but i feel safe in my room and thats where i'll cry. i'm a little half-hearted to share my problems with anyone right now. cause everything seems too complicated and depressing. i just want to cry. my eyes are puffy.
if only you knew what i'm going through in my life everyday and how i feel, you'll wish that you have someone to be there to lend a shoulder to cry on and some understanding.

sometimes, i wonder why am i here. i do feel like killing myself but, its against my religion. i'll smile and laugh in school. but still, i feel wrong laughing. there is nothing in my life that i can laugh. but it kills me to not to laugh at some humor once in a while.

i don't mind being alone. going out alone. eating breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. cause, everyone i know seem so distant from me. sadness and disappointment. nothing ever change.

i tried talking to my mom but, she just ignored me. i tried. it hurts even more when theres arguments. i'm so lost in my own world.

i feel hopeless right now. i feel like my life right now is like the game of Jenga. pull the wrong block, everything comes crashing down. and yes, i got to admit i am sad. i'm disheartened. all i did for past few month was to waste tears. i'm so very sad that i'm losing myself. and hell yeah i'm smiling and laughing when i'm in school, or when im in the mall but deep down in the deepest corner of my heart, i'm broken, shattered... dead. i know that this is the consequence for keeping all problems faced to oneself. but till now, i dont really know who i can rely on. i was hoping. but they'll never become a reality. i'm not worthy i guess.. i've lost lots of friends last year. am i gonna lose more this year? frankly speaking, i don't have anymore friends. i dont even have any buddy to hang out with. i really, really, really miss anthony. so much.

i'm lost. i've lost myself. i've lost myself to the depression that i'm suffering. i've lost everything that i ever wanted. my studies are crashing down. now, all i do at home is to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. thinking how miserable i am. i envy people who has everything in life. i envy people who are happy with their loved ones. i envy people who live life to the fullest. i hate myself for being this way. i've spent about half of my teenage years going back and forth clinics and hospitals. i think i made myself this way. hahha see how stupid can i be.

i need to find myself. i'm starting to isolate myself. and be somewhere peaceful. AM would never work for me. i told mom about my current situation but, i just disappoint myself in doing so.
get well soon mom.

my table is wet. water droplets are falling from my chin. my cheeks are wet and sticky. my eyes are in pain.red. and tears are pouring out. i bet my face look horrible now. tonight, is the night where i've cried the worst out of the few weeks back of crying.

i'm disappointed.devastated.sad. after all of my effort put in to make some people feel better. despite my own problems, i'm willing to push it aside and open up just to listen to your facing problem and try my best in anyways or means to cheer you up. and when you're all better and i'm in a mess, you push me aside and totally delete me from your memory. and i was hoping that you'll be willing to hear what problems i'm jolly well facing. but hell, i was wrong. and to make matters worse, your words hurts and you practically treat me like a punching bag. and how stupid can i be, i'm still willing to help and listen to you despite all those things that you've done. because, i thought you were my friend. for once. but who gives a shit. if my parents don't care, would anyone else care about me??! NO!

i guess, i'm not worthy to have any friends. i just wished that i could be as how i was. i miss being me. i miss not feeling sad and angry all the time. i wish i could turn back time and edit my life. i'm in such miserable state right now. i cry too much. my eyeballs hurt.

i need to do some thinking. my mind is chocking. i need more of my meds. i need a heavier dose. my head have been having these sorts of sharp pain poking my brain. i should stop focusing on life.
i wish i could remember. i'm sorry.

open house sucks! secondary students nowadays are deaf! stuck-ups! suckers! faggots! arseholes!! they just messed with my mood. screw ém.

i'll end my post here. i'll just keep all my problems in my cookie jar deep inside the corner of my mind. for the time being, i'll just suffer quietly. the best solution.

im so tired. ive been crying non-stop. today. somehow, the pain in my chest and ribs came back. this time, with intense pain than ever. my mind kept on wondering off. i feel lifeless. i feel hopeless. why is this happening to me?

this time, i'm alone more than ever. having someone to company is rare. since anthony gone. ive never talk to anyone about what on earth i've been through. my pains and sadness. all i need right now is someone who is capable to be there and listen to all my troubles and someone sincere. i need a shoulder to cry on. my life now is more to crying and depression. and it has really affected my studies. my mind will wonder off into the unknown.

now i forgot how it feels like to be normal.happy.cheerful. i feel like i wanna end my life. escape from all of this misery.

i hope my mom will be okay

Zee CW ★

" Zee CW,
the kid who always
step on the pavement cracks,
and blames herself,
then she ran back home to her crib
where she cry and cry.."

Too Little Too Late - Jojo

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